Ninety Things a South Parker Cannot Do
by Predominantly Normal
Summary: 51. Do not open random closets at school. 52. Especially if you hear Kenny's voice from the inside. 53. Especially if you hear another voice besides Kenny's from the inside. 54. Especially if the other voice sounds strikingly like your best friend. CRACK! Stendy, K2, and Creek!
1. Stan Marsh

**I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK**

**Based off of 'Ninety Things Japan Cannot Do'.**

**I'm gonna do a multichapter fic about this with all the characters from South Park. Tell me who I should do next.**

* * *

Ninety Things Stan Marsh Cannot Do:

...

1. Do not wear your 'Save the Whales' bracelet.

2. Even if you really want to.

3. People will call you a hippie fag.

4. Being called a hippie fag is really disheartening.

5. Do not deny that you are a hippie fag.

6. Because you are.

7. Do not visit Kenny's grave.

8. The dead bodies are piled up in a heap.

9. And they smell really bad.

10. Do not be alarmed if your alleged father, Randy Marsh, glues a waffle cone to his forehead.

11. He is a Brony, and he wants to be Twilight Sparkle.

12. Do not tell him that the neighbors are getting worried about his mental health.

13. He will berate you on tolerance for two-and a half hours.

14. He will only stop once he realizes My Little Pony is on.

15. Do not be alarmed if Eric Cartman is a Brony.

16. You already knew that was bound to happen.

17. Do not act awkward if Craig asks you where Kenny is with a heart-shaped card.

18. Craig blushes a lot.

19. And he punches you if you bring it up.

20. Do not be surprised if Craig uses the heart-shaped card to give Kenny several paper cuts.

21. Do not forget to say, "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" When Kenny bleeds to death.

22. Do not be surprised if Tweek runs to you screaming about how Craig is trying to give him a blood-covered card.

23. Do not allow Tweek to hug you.

24. Craig will find out.

25. And he will hurt you.

26. Badly.

27. Do not call Tweek clingy.

28. Because he is.

29. And Kyle complains about not being able to hang onto your arm as much.

30. In a totally non-gay way.

31. Do not give roses to Wendy.

32. Wendy is allergic to roses.

33. And you will figure out why Wendy gets so pissed off when you puke in her face.

34. Do not ask Kenny to help you clean off the puke.

35. He will use Jack Daniels in place of proper cleaning supplies.

36. And your skin is very sensitive to Jack Daniels.

37. And you will get red boils all over your face.

38. And they are really noticeable, even if Kyle says they look fine.

39. Do not let Kyle put cover-up on your face.

40. Cover up is itchy.

41. And Kyle gets very frustrated if you scratch your face right after he applies it.

42. Even if it DOES look better now.

43. Do not complain when Kyle tells you that you have to put it on every day.

44. Because you do.

45. Kyle even gave you a whole container of make up.

46. And he won't tell you where he got it.

47. Do not punch Cartman if he makes fun of you and your 'fagginess'.

48. Mr. Mackey hates violence, M'kay?

49. Even though he didn't care when Craig killed Kenny.

50. Even when he only didn't care because Craig was off school property when he murdered Kenny.

51. Do not open random closets at school.

52. Especially if you hear Kenny's voice from the inside.

53. Especially if you hear another voice besides Kenny's from the inside.

54. Especially if the other voice sounds strikingly like your best friend.

55. Because it is your best friend.

56. And he is doing things that you don't even want to know about, much less SEE.

57. Do not run around screaming, "MY EYES, MY EYES!"

58. Kyle is surprisingly strong for a diabetic Jew.

59. And now you have to go to the nurse.

60. With only Tweek for company.

61. Do not have Tweek for company if you can help it.

62. Now you are afraid of sleeping because he placed all of his paranoid thoughts in your head.

63. Do not hang out with Kyle until he gets out of his 'hopelessly in love' phase.

64. He gets really annoying.

65. And really graphic.

66. Do not eat tacos when it is not taco night.

67. Shelly gets angry because she thinks you're getting unfair taco privileges.

68. And so does Randy, who is somehow your father.

69. And amazingly, your mom does too.

70. Do not call Kyle for consolidation when you're grounded.

71. He is about as useful as a can of old tuna.

72. Apparently, he and Kenny are celebrating their one week anniversary.

73. And you just happened to call them when they were on their 'romantic date' eating Cheez-itz by Stark's pond.

74. Do not mention Brittany Spears to Cartman.

75. Cartman will not punch you.

76. He will start singing Brittany Spears' 'If You Seek Amy' and dancing.

77. Cartman is a surprisingly good singer.

78. Or maybe you're just going insane.

79. Do not go to the statue of John Elway at midnight when you're bored.

80. Butters still worships the provider.

81. He likes kissing the feet of the statue.

82. No wonder the statue's toes are all sparkly clean.

83. Do not play Guitar Hero in a ten-mile radius of Kyle.

84. He will know.

85. And he will want a rematch.

86. Do not challenge Kyle to a rematch.

87. Kyle loves the song, "Barracuda", and he makes you listen while he plays it time and time again so he can beat your high score.

88. You should clear your high score.

89. Do not fight with Kyle about the so-called, 'Good songs' on Guitar Hero.

90. He always wins the arguments.


	2. Kyle Broflovski

**I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK**

**In my weird head, Kyle plays cello and Craig is obsessed with classical music.**

**You asked for Jew-boy, you get Jew-boy. See how easy that is? So who's next, I wonder...**

* * *

Ninety Things Kyle Broflovski Cannot Do

...

1. Do not forget your hat.

2. You have a gigantic Jewfro, and the girl behind you in science can't see the board.

3. And Stan makes fun of your Jewfro often.

4. Kenny doesn't seem to mind, however.

5. Do not let Kenny play with your hair in class.

6. He will tie the curls together.

7. And you will learn that it takes around thirty minutes to untie them.

8. Do not listen to Elton John on your iPod.

9. Craig likes classical music, and now he won't stop trailing you around.

10. You have yet to tell him that is the only piece of classical music on your whole iPod.

11. He'll figure it out, though.

12. Do not get angry.

13. Ever since you jumped off your roof and cracked your head on the ground, weird things happen when you get angry.

14. Like breaking lights.

15. And dumping heaps of snow from the school roof on to random kids.

16. Half the school thinks you're the Messiah.

17. The other half believes that you're using Jewish Witchcraft.

18. Do not let Ike into your room.

19. Unbeknownst to you, he has exceptional hacking skills.

20. And he's still angry at you for ditching him for Stan.

21. And he knows how the Facebook relationships button works.

22. Do not reply to anyone who asks, "_R U Dating Stan?_"

23. Unless that someone is your homophobic mother.

24. Do not let Kenny drag you into closets.

25. Especially not during school.

26. Where anyone, namely your best friend, can find you guys playing tonsil hockey.

27. Do not beat up Stan.

28. His crying is more annoying than Clyde Donovan's.

29. And now you have to send him to the nurse, because he sprained his ankle.

30. And since he's to heavy to hold, you have to drag him like a dead body.

31. Do not leave Stan with Tweek.

32. Now he won't shut up about gnomes that steal undergarments.

33. Do not let Cartman douse you with Gatorade.

34. It makes the coverup drain from your face.

35. And then all your freckles show.

36. Do not let anyone see your freckles.

37. Cartman will be even more positive that you are a ginger.

38. And Kenny will spend all of art class playing connect the dots.

39. With your freckles.

40. Which means he forces you to pull up your shirt so he has access to your back.

41. And the art room uses air conditioning for some fucked up reason.

42. And it's really cold in there.

43. And now he's playing connect the dots with your goosebumps, too.

44. Do not do cough medicine with Butters.

45. One of you always ends up laying on the other's lap.

46. In nothing but underwear.

47. Do not do cough medicine with Tweek Tweak.

48. He doesn't wear underwear.

49. Do not attempt to be peacemaker.

50. You always end up with a hot pocket in your hair.

51. And it takes roughly forty minutes to get all of it out.

52. Do not wear loose clothing.

53. So help you Moses, if someone asks you if you're anorexic one more time...

54. Do not wear band shirts.

55. The goth kids will berate you on 'trying to plague your Justin Timberlake conformity and merge it with our nonconformity.'

56. Whatever that's supposed to mean.

57. Do not sing in the shower.

58. Apparently, Cartman has your whole house under a 24/7 watch.

59. Including your bathroom.

60. Do not let Stan sit in your lap.

61. Even if it's in a totally non-gay fashion.

62. Everyone always gets the wrong idea.

63. And apparently, Ike posted on your Facebook, "I love Stan so much".

64. Be happy Kenny doesn't have a Facebook.

65. Do not let Cartman tape you.

66. He has a video of you singing Justin Bieber.

67. And apparently Butters is a Belieber.

68. He won't stop trying to make you harmonize with him.

69. And now you have learned that STAN is a Belieber, too.

70. Do not let Stan sing 'Boyfriend' to you.

71. He's a good singer.

72. But people get the wrong idea.

73. Especially since he likes dancing, and you're his 'prop' girlfriend.

74. Do not let Kenny hear.

75. He will not get angry.

76. He will join in.

77. Do not let Kenny play with your cello.

78. Kenny likes to sword fight with your bow.

79. And he uses your rockstop as a grenade.

80. And he utterly sucks at actually playing.

81. Do not go inside Cartman's clearly marked, 'Do Not Enter' closet.

82. He has a shrine to you.

83. Including thirty-seven videos, roughly four hundred pictures, and thirty diary entries on Kyle trivia.

84. Do not be disappointed that your first stalker is Cartman.

85. You got so upset anyways, that you managed to telekinetically set the closet on fire.

86. Do not forget to thank Moses for your mind powers.

87. Do not forget to tell Stan that he has to attend the funeral.

88. Cartman is having a very important funeral for all his gathered Stalker information.

89. And they're serving cupcakes at the wake.

90. And Cartman's mom cooks the best cupcakes ever.


	3. Kenny McCormick

**I'm back! Well, first off, I had a load of fun as well as hair ripping during this chapter because it had to be really, really, inappropriate and perverted. Also, thank you to the like, what, 14 reviews? You guys are awesome. **

**Also, did you know they have Southpark roleplay on KiK? I laughed at that for ten whole seconds. **

**WHO SHALT BE NEXT, I ASK?**

* * *

Ninety Things Kenny McCormick Cannot Do:

...

1. Do not try to hook up Stan's gay dog with Butters in a dog costume.

2. Sparky isn't interested.

3. Butters, however...

4. And even though beastiality sells well with the sixth graders, you don't want to exploit the poor kid.

5. Do not ask Craig if he shoves his guinea pig up his ass when he feels lonely.

6. He will not decline your accusation.

7. He will blush furiously and tell you what a 'poor fucker' you are.

8. Do not accuse Craig of anything.

9. He is deadly with a heart-shaped Hallmark card.

10. Do not drink the last Pabst Blue Ribbon.

11. The last thing you need is for your house to be featured on another episode of, "I'm White Trash, and I'm in Trouble!"

12. Karen does not need to see you freak on live television.

13. Do not tell Kyle to strip dance in front of you.

14. Honestly, did you really think he had so little dignity?

15. Do not ask Stan, "What keeps an idiot in suspense?" And walk away.

16. It's only funny the first time.

17. Do not Falcon Punch the chalkboard and expect it to give way.

18. You are not Captain Falcon.

19. And now your hand is broken.

20. Do not try to sign up for orchestra.

21. Kyle already warned his teacher about you.

22. And apparently, she has a restraining order on you for all her equipment.

23. What a bitch.

24. Do not use Cartman as a pillow.

25. His flubber so fucking comfortable, and conforms perfectly to your head better than a Tempurpedic pillow.

26. But Kyle isn't really getting the pros of that situation.

27. And since he is the metaphorical chick in your relationship, and women are always right, you have to take his word as law.

28._ I AM NOT THE FUCKING 'CHICK', KENNY. _

29. Do not let Kyle edit your list of things you are not allowed to do.

30. He can break the fourth wall.

31. You should have written this in pen.

32. Do not visit Tweek before his work hours.

33. He likes Brittany Spears, like Cartman.

34. And the two were practicing for the end of year talent show, dancing around and singing, 'Over Protected'.

35. What is seen cannot be unseen.

36. Do not let Ruby Tucker over.

37. She is very scary, and Karen has started to flip everyone off.

38. And she insists that, '_Craig-Sama'_ come with her.

39. And you aren't on very good terms with Craig.

40. And now Karen's into all that freaky Japanese stuff, and has been referring to people as, 'Sama, San, Chan, and Sempai'.

41. Do not pretend to be dead when you really aren't.

42. The gravediggers have gotten sick of trying to stack all your dead bodies on top of eachother.

43. And they've found the solution to that; cremation.

44. Do not scream when they burn you alive.

45. They will think zombies have re-surfaced.

46. And they will decapitate you.

47. With a nail file.

48. Do not look yourself up on google.

49. There is a website called 'Tumblr', and people fucking worship you.

50. While that's great and all, they've taken to drawing an anime version of you and other random Southparkers kissing.

51. One of these people is Craig.

52. Fucking Fangirls.

53. Do not let Kyle read yaoi.

54. He likes it a whole lot, and he's been trying to get you to Roleplay as Sauske while he is Naruto.

55. Blame Japan; blame it all on Japan.

56. Do not walk in the auditorium after school.

57. Stan uses it as his personal fag-ground.

58. He has 'save the whales' banners up, along with several others in the 'Whale Whores' club.

59. Do not tell Stan how he'll likely end up cuddling with cats and growing mushrooms in a corner.

60. Stan is allergic to cats.

61. And mushrooms.

62. Do not let Token slip you twenties when you forget your lunch money.

63. You parents hound you on who you've been 'servicing' to get the cash.

64. You can't manage to convince them that Cartman is not your pimp.

65. They've been calling you, 'That fat boy's bottom bitch'.

66. Do not flirt with Clyde.

67. Clyde's girlfriend, BeBe has a wide arsenal of pointed-toe heels that she kicks with.

68. BeBe has a really good aim.

69. Do not laugh at the number, you immature asshole.

70. Do not go to gay pride rallies for Kyle.

71. Who knew Karen was gay?

72. And who knew that she'd be snogging Ruby behind Bennigan's?

73. Do not berate Karen on making out with creepy Ruby.

74. She will berate you on doing the same with a Jewish ginger from Jersey.

75. You have yet to admit that you two haven't gotten to second base yet.

76. It isn't you fault Kyle's prude.

77. Do not draw inappropriate things on your homework papers.

78. Mr. Garrison will not yell at you.

79. He will grin deviously and inform the class that he's heading off to the bathroom for a second.

80. It's been a rather long second.

81. Do not be surprised when Butters has been hanging out with Stan.

82. Butters claimed his undying love for Sparky a week ago.

83. They've really gotten together.

84. Do not let Cartman sell your dead bodies to research facilities for money.

85. He's managed to kill you, what, seventeen times in the last three weeks?

86. And he isn't giving you any of the money.

87. Do not say perverted things to Kyle.

88. He blushes, and has told you several times to stop, and how immature that is.

89. And since he's the metaphorical chick, you have to listen to him.

90._ I AM NOT THE CHICK, YOU PERVERTED ASSHOLE!_


	4. Eric Cartman

**I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK**

**Hey guys! I'm alive! **

**I decided to go with the Fatass, and well... It sort of went a little shitty. No worries though; I'm sure it's still fit for publishing. **

**Who should I do next; Butters or Tweek? **

* * *

Ninety Things Eric Cartman Cannot Do;

...

1. Do not question a Jew who offers you dinner.

2. Kosher Jewcakes are worth every penny they're eventually gonna steal from you.

3. Because they're Jew-rats, and they are not to be trusted.

4. Unless they offer to cook dinner for you.

5. Do not comment on Kyle's lack of enthusiasm on having you for dinner.

6. Sheila tells Kyle to brighten up and entertain his 'boyfriend'.

7. Apparently, she figured that you can call two guys 'boyfriends' like you can call two girls 'girlfriends'.

8. It doesn't work like that, goddammit!

9. Do not let that boy down the street get to you.

10. What was his name again; Kevin Stoley or something?

11. You can think of much worse things to do to him than killing his parents.

12. Such as cross dressing as Princess Leah and knocking on his door.

13. Do not be disappointed when he retches and passes out .

14. You are totally a hot Princess.

15. Do not forget to bring your new favorite Brittany Spears album to Tweek.

16. For a twitcher, that kid is a passionate Spears fan.

17. But not as passionate as you.

18. Nobody is as passionate about Brittany as you are.

19. _NOBODY_.

20. Do not fall asleep in the presence of Kenny.

21. He likes using you as a pillow.

22. And even when he sleeps, he has a creeper face on and his 'grope' hands up.

23. Do not pull off Stan's hat.

24. He will cover himself up as if you ripped off his pants.

25. Don't even think about it.

26. Do not bomb Korea with your 'Terrorist Playset Deluxe!'

27. You will be grounded for a whole week.

28. Seriously, your dick of a pen pal, Yang Wao totally had it coming.

29. What right does he have to say he likes Brittany Spear's songs?

30. Korean poser.

31. Do not tell Kenny about your new 'get rich quick' scheme.

32. It involves killing him and harvesting his body.

33. And you aren't sure he's completely committed to the idea yet.

33. Do not try to sell Stan's gay dog to City Wok.

34. While they appreciate the gesture, Butters does not.

35. In fact, the weirdo was in his dog costume protecting Sparky when you arrived.

36. Do not try to buy off Bill Gates as your human slave.

37. The pros are a really advanced Internet.

38. The cons are Bill's constant speeches on his child life.

39. Do not take the last cookie from the cookie jar.

40. Somehow, that bitchuva Mr. Garrison knew.

41. Do not forget to put locks on your underpants drawers.

42. Stan had told you about the gnomes visiting him for the last week at exactly 3:31.

43. Apparently, they visit him exactly one minute after visiting Tweek.

44. Do not argue with Kyle on who gets the last piece of KFC chicken.

45. That Jew rat is smart.

46. And somehow managed to trick you into giving it to him.

47. Just like you gave him Aids.

48. Do not try gardening.

49. Clyde is a big fan.

50. And he has a method for fucking EVERYTHING.

51. Like, for instance, massaging the worms so that they have maximum soil fertilization.

51. Do not accidentally write the number again.

53. Do not skip numbers.

54. Do not write your list of things you cannot do with a pen.

55. Do not re-name yourself.

56. Nobody seems to enjoy your name choice.

57. Super Twilight Spears Fan is a totally liable name.

58. Do not visit Starks pond on Fridays.

59. Every Friday, Kenny and Kyle are sitting there.

60. And they're really fagging the place up.

61. Do not listen to BOTDF in front of your mom.

62. She fell in love with Dahvie Vanity, and won't stop singing the lyrics around the house.

63. You haven't gone a day since without hearing your mom singing, "_Welcome to Candyland, you'll wanna fuck me twice! I'll be your gingerbread man; first time naughty, second time nice!" _

64. Kyle caught you humming it at the bus stop.

65. And he asked for you to sing the lyrics.

66. And you did.

67. Do not be disappointed that Kyle was less than enthusiastic about you singing such inappropriate lyrics.

68. His face was redder than his hair.

69. Do not try Yoga.

70. There are several contortionists in your class to tutor you.

71. Unfortunately, Kenny is the only male one.

72. And he is super serious about it.

73. Like, he comes in a leotard and everything.

74. Do not laugh at Kenny for being a gaywad.

75. He will contort into a baseball bat and hit you.

76. Kenny is the king of all things rubber.

77. Do not say the obvious pervert joke.

78. Do not lick Wendy.

79. Stan lied; she doesn't taste like strawberries.

80. Only cheap makeup that's way to good for crack whores.

81. Do not worry about Wendy and Stan's small scuffling.

82. They have weeklong scuffles on a periodic basis.

83. It must be Stan's time of month.

84. Do not forget to hide Kenny's seventeen dead bodies.

85. They sell for two-hundred a corpse on eBay.

86. But your mom and her several male companions have been abusing them.

87. Where do they buy all that milk?

88. Do not forget about the thirty-two Cheesypoof bags in the pantry.

89. There's a Terrence and Philip marathon on tonight.

90. They should last you a good hour-and-a-half.


	5. Tweek Tweak

**I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK**

**After one week, I have resurfaced! But besides that, you guys are TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME! I got Ten review in the last chapter, and a few of them actually voted! I feel so loved. **

**Tweek won the vote, obviously. His chapter is pretty perverted too, and I can't help but love it. There's also a few mentions of Craig being a stalker which I may or may not headcannon. As for any other fanfic I am writing; They're all on a LONG hituas. Sorry. I don't have a muse. **

**Enough of my Stupid rambling; Who should I do next? I'd appreciate a suggestion! Majority rules! **

* * *

Ninety things Tweek Tweak cannot do;

...

1. Do not comb your hair.

2. Much like Kyle, it never ends well.

3. And you're quite sure Craig has been stalking you and taking pictures while you do so.

4. Craig has a blog _all_ about you.

5. Do not serve Kenny's coffee with three shots of expresso because it sounds funny.

6. For a moment, he becomes you; a blonde twitcher who everyone assumes does cocaine.

7. And you might make a duplication paradox and KILL EVERYONE.

8. Do not spend your money on coffee for the next three weeks (oh Jesus).

9. You need to save up for a chastity belt*.

10. For obvious reasons that may or may not center around Craig.

11. Do not read Terrence and Phillip Fanfiction.

12. The Internet has turned you gay.

13. Butter's dad would be proud.

14. Do not write Terrence and Philip slash.

15. Just because one of them is blonde, and the other is noirette, Craig thinks you're writing sick fantasies.

16. It doesn't help that you've made Terrence the 'pitcher'.

17. Do not drink RedBull.

18. The phrase, "_RedBull gives you wings_", was true.

19. And you're still not sure what to do with a wingspan of ten feet.

20. Like hell you're going to actually fly.

21. The wings make much nicer shields than flying devices.

22. Do not drink Monster energy.

23. Their slogan is, "_Unleash the beast_".

24. Do not read nursery rhymes.

25. "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle; the cow jumped over the moon. The dog laughed to see such fun and the dish ran away with the spoon."

26. What kind of subliminal messaging is this?

27. Only someone that has taken acid would get it.

28. You should ask Kyle or Ike.

29. Or maybe just Ike; Kyle uses Jewish witchcraft, or so Cartman told you.

30. Do not worry about the gnomes.

31. They can't take what you don't have.

32. You don't need underwear, anyways.

33. Do not do cough medicine.

34. Apparently, it makes you 'an easy target'.

35. You are featured as the front page of Jackass dot com, because you had been singing 'If You Seek Amy'' (without clothes, mind you).

36. Do not enter talent shows.

37. You got so nervous, you ended up wetting your pants in the middle of 'Toxic'.

38. It's not your fault Brittany has that effect.

39. Reportedly, seventeen other students peed their pants as well after you hit high C.

40. But that was only because they were laughing so much.

41. Do not go on Fanfiction ever again.

42. There's something called Creek, and it's not pretty.

43. Why are you always the metaphorical catcher?

44. Do not talk to Stan when it's his time of month.

45. Cartman says he gets real pissy, and what if Stan KILLS you?

46. Besides, Mr. Garrison said to never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

47. Do not sleep on Cartman.

48. He is extremely comfortable, and you actually manage to doze off with your head propped up on his fat.

49. But Kenny gets jealous that Cartman is 'offering his pillow service' to you.

50. Do not watch scary movies with Craig.

51. That sly bastard just wants you to get scared so you'll hold onto him.

52. He's such a creeper.

53. Craig says that he's just 'devoted and persistent'.

54. What if he's a Belarusian spy that wants to kidnap you and use bioengineering so that you walk with your knees bending the wrong way whilst spiders crawl out of your GOUGED OUT EYES.

55. Do not watch My Little Pony.

56. It's doing strange things to your brain.

57. Number 54 is proof.

58. Do not pet Sparky.

59. Butters will scratch up your arms.

60. And now everyone thinks you cut yourself.

61. God, why would you even do that; what if the razor was used to shave some hairy man's back and you end up getting infected with back herpes?

62. Do not offer for Cartman to go gardening with you and Clyde.

63. It doesn't go well.

64. Do not play Chiller**.

65. It's horrifying.

66. But for some twisted reason, you can't help but giggle madly when you torture the innocent 8-bit people.

67. Do not forget to pick up your music record from the CD place.

68. It's just a recording of Morgan Freeman narrating several Owl City songs, but god does it make it easy to sleep.

69. Do not be disappointed that you aren't privileged enough to be Morgan Freeman's pet.

70. Be privileged that Craig didn't name his new guinea pig Tweekers.

71. Do not offer Kenny cream with his coffee.

72. He's a perverted asshole, but you walked straight into that one.

73. Do not punch Kyle in the face.

74. You forget sometimes that you box, and that Kyle's face is not trained in the art of getting punched.

75. But he DID call both Cartman and Clyde fatasses.

76. Do not tell anyone that you are secretly a ninja.

77. Do not tell yourself that you are in fact NOT a ninja, or that you will never amount to Naruto's greatness.

78. A ninja must have an ego.

79. Something you desperately need to work on.

80. Do not forget to get your hair trimmed.

81. You listened to your Morgan Freeman CD while working with a broken coffee mug and superglue.

82. Now the whole left side of your hair is chopped off.

83. And your mom forbids you to cut off any more hair.

84. It's the twentieth time someone's pointed you in the direction of the Mental Hospital in case you were lost.

85. Do not follow their directions.

86. The mental hospital people did some horrifying stuff to you.

87. Do not answer the door without looking in the peephole first.

88. It was Craig, and he gave you his blue aviator's hat and left.

89. He never gives that to anyone.

90 (1/2). And while there's the possibility of him jacking a camcorder into it, maybe; _just maybe,_ you should give him a chance.

90 (2/2). On second thought, maybe not.

* * *

**Notes:**

***Chastity Belt; a pair of undergarments worn to prevent rape. **

****Chiller; a banned arcade game in which your main goal is to torture innocent people. **


	6. Craig Tucker

**I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK**

**Wow. I can't believe you all chose Craig over Butters. I was watching Girl Code at the time, so I got several ideas from it. Mainly because Craig is so tough to write on with a mainly comedic approach considering how stoic and blunt he is. BUT I STILL LOVE HIM TO DEATH! **

**It's up to you; who should I do next?**

* * *

Ninety Things Craig Tucker Cannot Do;

...

1. Do not try to lick your armpit.

2. You are not that flexible.

3. And now Clyde has a video tape of you looking like a retard.

4. Do not wonder if you are siblings with Stan.

5. South Park is all inbred anyways.

6. Do not admit to taking part in the Highschool Musical trend.

7. Or that you genuinely enjoyed it.

8. Do not write Red Racer Fanfiction.

9. You apparently suck at writing, as according to the flamers.

10. It's not your fault if you made a protagonist with striking similarities to you and just happens to have your name.

11. Do not make any passes at Tweek.

12. He freaks out too much.

13. He won't even let you tell him how he looks without spazzing and punching you.

14. Although, you did say he looked so ravishing you could rape him in his sleep.

15. Do not let Token live with the lions.

16. He's a rich snobby faggot, but he's still all you got.

16. Do not ask Kenny for stalker advice.

17. His techniques got you caught.

18. And beaten down by Kyle's Mom's purse.

19. Do not eat chalk.

20. While perfectly good tasting, you ate way to much.

21. And now you're probably going to be out of school for awhile.

22. Do not stay home.

23. Ruby apparently cuts school with her girlfriend, and all they do is make out.

24. It's sad that she's getting more action than you.

25. Do not take off your hat.

26. Everyone's been gushing over you all day.

27. Do not forget to do Thomas's laundry.

28. Do not do Thomas's laundry without checking for stalkers.

29. Taking a deep inhale of Thomas's underwear and fantasizing about Tweek is just natural, you swear!

30. But people can't tell all that from the viral video on YouTube.

31. Do not wax your legs.

32. You nearly passed out from the pain in your leg, and stopped midway during the procedure.

33. And now only your left leg is baby soft.

34. Do not rub your left leg.

35. It's starting to form a big red mark.

36. And now everyone's looking at it.

37. Do not let Clyde 'fix' your leg hair.

38. You are very sensitive to nair.

39. And now there's an even BIGGER red mark on your right leg.

40. You can't manage to convince Tweek that you most certainly are NOT being turned inside out.

41. He won't come within a forty feet vicinity of you.

42. Do not try to count sheep.

43. Because thinking makes your brain work harder, you don't manage to fall asleep.

44. Sheep 28,843 just hopped past the fence.

45. Do not try to alleviate tiredness with coffee.

46. It works for an hour or so, but then you crash.

47. Hard.

48. Do not blame coffee for your incident.

49. Even though you'd love to blame it for making you pass out in the middle of biking home from school.

50. Including the fact that you didn't even wake up when you ran into a car and sent it rolling down the hill.

51. And only when you heard Kyle yell, "You bastard!" Did you wake up.

52. Do not try filming ever again.

53. Getting neutered is probably the scariest thing in the whole world.

54. And when people say that you have no balls, you can't exactly object...

55. Do not flip off Kenny.

56. He will promptly say, "When and where?"

57. Do not say anything nice to Wendy.

58. Stan wants to beat you up now.

59. And Wendy won't stop fucking touching you like you're a her cellphone.

60. Do not eat the last taco.

61. Clyde freaks out and cries.

62. And you had to lock yourself in the bathroom because he's quite keen on trying to stab you with a fork to get you back.

63. At least Stan shares your taco issues.

64. Do not trust Kenny for relationship help.

65. He blinded you an told you to kiss the person in front of you.

66. It was supposed to be Tweek, not fucking Cartman!

67. Do not start thinking about "fucking Cartmn".

68. You need to throw up now.

69. But Ruby is occupying the only toilet in the house, taking a shit.

70. It makes no sense that girls' shit smells even worse than guys.

71. Do not give anyone your chullo.

72. You NEED that thing.

73. But it was the only way to get a tiny camera into Tweek's room.

74. Do not leave the audio tape of Tweek panting after his baseball game on your computer.

75. Kenny snuck into your house and has been listening to it on repeat for the last seven hours.

76. Do not question Tweek, Stan, Kyle, or Cartman about why they have Mexican dancing costumes in their rooms.

77. They'll all mumble about Steven Speilburg and George Lucas.

78. Do not tell BeBe on how stupid her new heels are.

79. She'll smack you with her purse.

80. And Clyde will get extremely upset.

81. Do not watch Girl Code.

82. Gay stereotypes are really shining through now.

83. And you've fallen in love with it.

84. Do not let Clyde sleep next to you.

85. Even if it's on the floor in sleeping bags.

86. He likes cuddling.

87. Do not be "that guy".

88. Especially when it has to be, "Which one's Philip and which one is Terrence?"

89. They have the first letter of their names on their shirt.

90. Flip off anyone that looks at you incredulously.

* * *

**Screw this, Im using Fanfiction to promote a video on YouTube. Anyways, I made a South Park flash animation on YouTube. **

**Search up, 'South Park Swine Flu' and click on video video made by Meowtime22. THANK YOU!**


	7. Leopold Butters Stotch

**I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK**

**Yeah... I really have little excuse as to why this is up so late with being off of school and all. But I've been seriously tired lately because I've been obsessed with Guiatr Hero, and have started playing in the ungodly hours of the night/morning. Also, my birthday came up so i'm officially thirteen now! I invited eight people and two showed up. Yay me, Imma loner! **

**Also, I totally dissed the male populous of this fandom A little bit back. I just get caught up in stereotypes, you know? So, I apologize and OMG I LOVE YOU FANBOYS JUST AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE! (Maybe more!).**

* * *

Ninety Things Leopold 'Butters' Stotch Cannot Do;

...

1. Do not play MineCraft.

2. Why is everything so ugly?

3. And the tall black things have been giving you nightmares.

4. Hello Kitty Island Adventure is nothing like this.

5. Do not poke Wendy's implants.

6. You think they're starting to leak.

7. And you might get grounded if you walk inside the house covered in Boob-Juice.

8. Do not buy prosthetics to make you taller and a better athlete.

9. The actual handicapped kids found you and beat you up.

10. Do not sing dubstep.

11. One does not simply sing dubstep.

12. Do not forget to throw away your signed picture of John Elway.

13. Everybody is starting to think you love him.

14. And you don't.

15. Do not tell anyone that you still have your Marjorine stuff.

16. It's bad enough that you stole your mother's bra so people wouldn't think you were flat-chested.

17. Maybe you can drink some Boob-Juice to make your chest grow.

18. Do not let PETA take away Sparky.

19. They are very convinced you will go to hell for manhandling Stan's dog, and berated you for such behavior.

20. Right before the lecture, however, the man kissed a camel.

21. Tongue and everything.

22. Do not watch Disney movies with Kenny.

23. He had convinced you that BP screwed Ariel, and that Belle got charged with beastiality.

24. Which is a sensitive subject for you.

25. Do not crush your knuckles together.

26. They have big purple splotches on them now because you bruise easily.

27. And you're getting grounded because you've reminded your dad of bananas.

28. You really need to learn to behave yourself.

29. Do not try to suck blood.

30. You already gave Eric a good sized hickey.

31. And it was mighty fine, too.

32. Do not act gay.

33. Straight camps are the worst things imaginable.

34. They're not trying to make you heterosexual, they're trying to make you Atheist.

35. Do not become Atheist.

36. You will start spewing crap out of your mouth.

37. Do not say any 'No-No' words.

38. This includes; ass, bitch, shit, fuck, and Yolo.

39. Kenny hates the word Yolo.

40. Do not fall asleep in the vicinity of a tape recorder.

41. You sleep talk.

42. And, apparently you were doing a play-by-play of The Lord Of The Rings.

43. Do not sit next to Wendy on the bus.

44. She likes your hair so much.

45. Your head has a big rash on it now because of the excessive petting.

46. Do not try to start up a Silly Bandz mafia.

47. Your arms have gone purple from the seven-hundred and eighty-two animal shaped rubber bands covering them.

48. Who even needs sleeves anyways.

49. Do not forget your paper bag.

50. You just can't stop making a silly face without it.

51. And your parents are real sore on that.

52. Do not become a furry.

53. Stan thinks you're even gayer, with fuzzy tails and paws hanging up in your closet.

54. To be fair, it would seem pretty kinky stuff, if you didn't know what it was yourself.

55. Do not yawn.

56. Whenever you yawn, someone sticks their finger down your throat and chokes you.

57. Be it Kenny, Your dad, Stan's new goldfish, or that Canadian kid.

58. Do not pretend to be a fat Italian plumber who has no plumbing degree whatsoever.

59. That's what Super Mario is for.

60. And he somehow still gets the anorexic princess who feeds his mushroom drug addiction.

61. Such a sweet story.

62. Do not watch Adam Sandler.

63. It reminds you too much of Awesome-O.

64. Which has lead you to write a novel about a robot who farted.

65. It's a Colorado Best Seller.

66. Do not talk to Damien.

67. He told you that he is going to turn you into a tub of margarine.

68. And then he'll say, "I can't believe it's not Butters!"

69. Do not be such an innocent pervert.

70. You just learned why you can't say "I'd love to jack".

71. Even if you actually meant to jack up a broken car.

72. Do not let anyone bring in Sexual Harassment Panda.

73. Poor Kenny is already in debt.

74. Do not try to get Kyle to watch Jersey Shore.

75. J-Wow has the hottest ass in the world, but the show brings out the Jersey-ite in Kyle.

76. He totally told you off after bitch-slapping you.

77. Do not let your parents see the bright red handprint on your cheek.

78. They think you're getting abused by a girl/boyfriend.

79. And they're totally fine with the idea of that.

80. Do not dress up as a camel on Wednesday.

81. Nobody is very amused with you racing down the halls yelling, "IT'S HUMP DAY, FELLAS!"

82. Except for gender neutral Mr. , who gets some sick pleasure out of such activities.

83. He was found behind his desk saying weird things.

84. Do not walk in on Mr./Ms. Garrison singing Justin Beiber.

85. Not only is his tune horrible, but he keeps getting the words wrong.

86. The lyrics are, "baby, baby, baby, oh!," but he keeps forgetting the 'baby' part.

87. Do not associate with Cartman.

88. The outcome is gay 50% of the time, and the other 50% is you getting grounded.

89. Even though the gay part isn't all that bad, because you guys get real good bonding.

90. Unfortunately though, as apparent by the bruise on your forehead, he's not interested.

* * *

**Who's Next? You decide!**


	8. Damien, Son of Satan

**I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK**

**Wow, I've been really occupied with a Pokémon Fanfiction I've been writing. Sorry. But anyways, Damien won over Clyde with one vote in the ballots. And thank god he did, I had way to much fun writing this. And yes, everything centers around Damien being Satan's son. Sorry if I offend Any Norwegians, but... You know... South Park..**

* * *

Ninety Things Damien, Son of Satan, Cannot do;

1. Do not loan Ze Mole any Hell Cigarettes.

2. Unfortunately, they do not snuff out in mortal snow.

3. However, they do manage to do so against Ze Mole's hugeass eyebrows.

4. Those things are like Caterpillars.

5. Do not go to London.

6. Seven long-haired blondes that sounded precisely like Pip Pirrup just totally hit on you.

7. By Satan, they're multiplying.

8. Do not tell the goth kids about what Hell is like.

9. You don't want to crush their petty dreams of never-ending fiery torture.

10. And they probably won't even believe you if you tell them that that Jimmy Buffet Karaoke is a Sunday tradition.

11. Do not buy the new Otterbox.

12. Despite the advertising, no, it does not protect your phone from the curses of seven thousand damned souls.

13. Do not let Kenny give you a tattoo.

14. He drew a Duck-Billed Platypus on your back in permanent markers.

15. And despite showering eight times in the course of a day for a week, it hasn't even began to fade.

16. Do not let anyone catch you singing Miley Cirus.

17. But come on, it's like, "_Zig, zag, cross the floor, shuffle in diagonal, when the drum hits, hands on your hips, one foot in one-eighty twist". _

18. Who doesn't love it?

19. Just because you're the son of Satan doesn't mean you can't enjoy some Country Music.

20. Do not be disheartened that your father is disappointed in you.

21. Taking up gardening isn't just a '_phase_', it's who you are.

22. Besides, now your whole estate looks much nicer with blue poppies and daffodils occupying the space where the human skulls used to lie.

23. Do not kill anyone.

24. It's bad enough that seven thousand people committed mass suicide because of your 2012 Mayan 'Prank'.

25. You got grounded for three whole weeks.

26. And the Highway to Hell was really backed up.

27. Do not speculate on the fact that there's a Highway to Hell and a Stairway to Heaven.

28. Surely driving is better than climbing?

29. With all the lazy-asses, it should be an Escalator to Heaven.

30. Do not question your eye size.

31. They're so small and beady and threatening though...

32. It's sort of ugly.

33. You might decide to ask the goths for some Guy-Liner.

34. Do not let Tweek anywhere near you in the case he's practicing with his shotgun.

35. The kid is so paranoid, he decided a gun was safe for protection, and he has a great aim.

36. So long as the Son of Satan isn't behind him watching.

37. He ended up loosing his grip and the recoil sent the sharp baronet into your eye.

38. Do not be bothered when Clyde asks you if you've been to Somalia.

39. Apparently, your new eyepatch makes it look like you were a pirate.

40. Do not talk to Christophe.

41. Sure, god isn't your personal favorite guy, but the 'God is a Beetch' seminar is really getting old.

42. Do not let Kenny tape you for an episode of 'Star Search'.

43. You ended up singing Opera, in which your voice reached a pitch that caused worldwide chaos.

44. And the show 'Star Search' was cancelled a long time ago.

45. Kenny was just watching Re-runs.

46. Do not bring your sword, Harbringer, to South Park.

47. Somehow, Stan and Kyle managed to mistake it for a gigantic Legend of Zelda Wii remote.

48. They killed eight people.

49. Do not be worried that your voice hits High-C naturally.

50. So far, you've broken almost every window in Hell.

51. They're getting real tired of your shit.

52. Do not talk to Craig.

53. Seriously, don't do it.

54. That guy has watched some mentally scarring videos on the Internet and has decided to show you his favorite, 'A Bridge in Norway'.

55. Do not go to Norway.

56. Do not accept Norwegians into Hell.

57. They should burn in the eternal Seas of Mormon faith in Heaven.

58. Do not fast dance.

59. As according to everyone, it looks like you're trying to shake a lizard off your shoulders.

60. Except the fellows up at the local Gay bar.

61. Do not mindlessly start fires at nursing homes.

62. You killed all of the petunias.

63. You monster.

64. Do not be disappointed that since you are half demon, puberty will not hit until you are in your late thirties.

65. How are you supposed to give school presentations with a voice that belongs to a fairy?

66. Six.

67. Do not watch the Lion King.

68. You have a soft spot for Scar, and make audible noises of despair when he is usurped by Simba.

69. Do not watch Black Butler.

70. WHY CAN'T YOU BE A COOL-ASS DEMON BUTLER?

71. Do not try and be a vigilante.

72. Although your costume looks great, you can't manage to save anyone without Killing two in their place.

73. It's the curse of Satan.

74. Do not correct people when they say, "Oh my god!"

75. Do not steal Stan's line.

76. "Oh my Satan, they killed Kenny!" Doesn't sit well with the other kids.

77. And they ended up hanging you by the flagpole.

78. It's a shame Hellish Underwear are one-hundred percent indestructible.

79. Do not try to light a fire to warm yourself up on this lonesome flagpole.

80. You inadvertently incinerated the first portion of your list of things you cannot do.

81. And now you have to re-write it.

82. Do not worry if you need more supplies.

83. Butters will gladly fetch you anything you need and deliver it via Paper airplane.

84. Despite turning him into Margarine on several occasions.

85. Do not complain about the frosty weather.

86. Or the fact that your buttcheeks are practically frozen together.

87. You don't want to seem like a pussy.

88. Do not give mercy to those who laugh at you while you're atop this flagpole.

89. YOU ARE THE MOTHERFUCKING SON OF SATAN AND YOU SHALL REAP THEIR SOULS WITH SCANT MERCY.

90. As soon as you figure out how to get down.

* * *

** Who's Next? You decide!**


	9. Clyde DonovanHarris

**I DON'T OWN SOUTH PARK**

**Hey guys, I'm alive! **

**And here's what happens when I have expectations to fufil. I completely Wong it and hope for the best. But isn't that South Park in a nutshell? Anyways, Clyde beat Pip by one vote, so there he is. I know, it's kind of lackluster. But anyways, I seriously reference everything here. If you find a reference, I'll give you a good ol' shout out, Kay?**

* * *

Ninety Things Clyde Donovan/Harris Cannot Do;

1. Do not leave the toilet seat up.

2. Now you know why it sucks to fall in.

3. Your father called the firemen, who used the Jaws of Life to get you out.

4. It was on the live action news.

5. Do not wear your metrosexual glasses.

6. Even if they look super fabulous.

7. Craig hates being reminded of his metro phase.

8. Do not let Kenny borrow your Playboys.

9. You haven't seen them since.

10. WHY HAS HE TAKEN MISS OCTOBER?

11. Do not practice kissing on your arm.

12. At least not when you're on Cartman's bad side.

13. Fatass has a way with cameras.

14. Like, he got a screen shot of you literally Tonguing your arm.

15. And show and tell is on Monday.

16. Do not forget to buy illegal fireworks.

17. Shooting them at the local church isn't the only atheist stunt you've performed.

18. It's just traumatizing when you're in the confessions booth listening in on your mom and Father Maxi having sex.

19. And kinda hot.

20. Do not try acting.

21. During Tryouts, you acted worse than the child actors on 'The Last Airbender'.

22. Butters, however, has a god given talent.

23. Do not play football.

24. It's really cold out, and it hurts to catch the ball.

25. Crying a pool of ice was only one of the casualties.

26. Kenny slipping and dying on it was the other.

27. Do not try to be a badass.

28. You broke the rules of badassery within one hour.

29. You might as well hang with Butters now.

30. Do not do jigsaw puzzles.

31. Only someone like Tweek has the time and energy to do the eighty-thousand piece kitten puzzle you bought on eBay.

32. However, only Token has the coordination.

33. And Craig is the guy that comes in and smashes it with his foot seconds before you finish.

34. Do not buy BeBe shoes.

35. The last time she texted that she'd give you a BJ.

36. Turns out she abbreviated Juice Box wrong.

37. Do not drink diet coke.

38. At least not after eating Mentos.

39. Thank god for colonoscopy.

40. Do not wonder what people taste like.

41. Damien was kind enough to give you a sample of human flesh.

42. From one of the Jews in the holocaust.

43. You have traces of gaseous poison in your system now.

44. Do not sign up for maths.

45. Five times two is not twelve.

46. And Mr. Garrison will have to bring out the 'Retard Triangle' again.

47. Do not try writing Fanfiction.

48. It's not your fault that you write hetro in a fandom of homo.

49. Craig thinks you're a minority now.

50. And Cartman hates minorities.

51. Do not forget to get your Feragon cosplay for Comic Con.

52. It's just gonna be you, and your favorite Trekkie, Kevin Stoley.

53. Do not let Craig sign you up for My Strange Addiction.

54. Now everyone knows that you like licking the taco grease from trashed Taco Bell wrappers.

55. No wonder you're fat.

56. Do not sing in the shower.

57. Maybe you THINK you sound like Fergie and Jesus had a child.

58. But according to the neighbors, you might actually just be second cousins with their son.

59. Or fiftieth cousins.

60. Do not try to be sassy.

61. Your hips do not Twerk, and your clothes do not work.

62. As according to sass-master Craig.

63. Do not question Craig.

64. His Twerk video went viral, with forty-million views.

65. Which beats Butters' 'What What in my asshole' video by a long run.

66. Do not lick people.

67. They tend to think you're weird.

68. But you swear, it's totally a sign of friendliness!

69. Do not think of anything sexual.

70. Do not play Halo.

71. Cortana is a babe, and you didn't end up playing the game at all, but rather ogling at her screenshot.

72. Do not listen to Screamo.

73. You just became Black Veil Brides' biggest fan.

74. Although, everyone thinks its sort of odd that you ran in the school screaming about pain and suffering with a cheery attitude.

75. Except the goth kids.

76. They spent the afternoon licking the lint from your toes.

77. Your toes are sparkly clean with the saliva of the goths.

78. Do not let Stan borrow your track team coat.

79. He brought it over Kyle's house.

80. And now it smells like Jews.

81. Do not let Tweek choose the movie for movie night.

82. He cherishes the whole Twilight saga.

83. Do not let Cartman garden with you.

84. He can't massage the worms correctly, and it's pissing you off.

85. And he beat up three squirrels for public indecency.

86. Do not accuse the garden gnomes of stealing your underwear.

87. Not every gnome is an underpants gnome.

88. Do not act like an asshole for publicity.

89. You don't have enough money to buy plane tickets to jack it in San Diego.

90. And maybe if you had those playboys Kenny stole you'd be able to jack it in your room.

* * *

**Extra thanks to enf234 for helping me out! **

**Who's next? You decide!**


	10. Philip 'Pip' Pirrup

**I DO NOT OWN SOUTHPARK **

**Damn, this took forever to get up. Sorry but seriously, SCHOOL FUCKING SUCKS I WANNA DO SUMMER VACATION AGAIN. Like, I'm that awkward kid who doesn't speak to anyone except friends (of whom are excluded from my classes). Also Pip is really hard to do because I don't know what to write for him. Leave a review and make me a happier loser for a day? **

* * *

Ninety Things Phillip 'Pip' Pirrup Cannot Do;

1. Do not let Damien talk you into doing illegal stunts.

2. Apparently, killing eight people for the fun of it is a whole 5 month offense.

3. And all people see from the back of you is long hair and childbearing hips.

4. You should invest in a soap rope.

5. Do not argue with Tweek on whether Coffee or Tea is a better beverage.

6. If you get one more metal thermos to the mouth, you're really gonna get the 'London Look'.

7. And china teacups really aren't good weapons...

8. Do not give Damien your new locker combination.

9. Last year he kept leaving notes in your bookbag.

10. Along with a nude picture of him with a caption saying 'I WANT TO BEAR YOUR CHILDREN'.

11. You're getting real tired of his shit.

12. Do not borrow clothes from Butters.

13. He's a nice fellow and all, but he doesn't have anything else in his wardrobe except Hello Kitty shirts.

14. Not to mention he has a thing for cross dressing.

15. And that's completely excluding the fact he has a dog costume of all things in his wardrobe.

16. Do not let Cartman push you around.

17. You need to stand up for yourself every now and then!

18. In fact, that's just what you're gonna do, yes sir!

19. Do not stand up for yourself.

20. Third degree Indian rug burns, seven Charlie horses, eighteen wet willies, six swirlies, and a kick in the balls is the result.

21. And if that's not enough, you got into another argument with Tweek while you both were at the nurse's office.

22. That kid is actually very accurate with the standardized sedative vaccine.

23. Butters found you unconscious and face first in a trash can.

24. Do not forget how good you have it.

25. Cause you wear short shorts they wear sneakers, you're cheer captain and they're on the bleachers.

26. At least Taylor Swift will always be there for you.

27. Do not volunteer to be the base of the human pyramid.

28. You really aren't strong enough and got crushed by seven cheerleaders.

29. Do not let Craig onto the cheer leading team.

30. All he wants to do is impress his secret unrequited crush by dancing around in a skirt.

31. Do not go to Britain.

32. It seems that since the Professor Layton game released people just bother you to solve puzzles nowadays.

33. They attach counters to your brain and you need to solve a certain amount of puzzles for everything.

34. Bathroom - 167 puzzles

35. You - 6 puzzles

36. Do not let anyone but you near your hair.

37. Apparently, pink hair dye takes six months to remove.

38. And was a Mohawk really necessary?

39. Do not wear glasses.

40. Craig punched you and they broke, sending the itty-bitty shards of glass into your eyes.

41. You were forced to retire from the cheer leading team.

42. And he took your place.

43. Do not forget to buy a camera from the photography shop.

44. Rumor has it that Craig sniffs that Tourette's kid's underwear when he washes them.

45. Do not take selfies.

46. Instagram is a social site you know.

47. And you MIGHT have a few pictures of you doing the duckface.

48. Cough-216-cough.

49. Do not forget to try out for the football team.

50. You can be like that one movie, The Water Boy.

51. Or rather, you'll get six teeth knocked out and need jaw realignment.

52. Do not borrow notes from Kyle.

53. They're all in super neat effeminate cursive, with little hearts dotting the "i's".

54. It's to girly for even you.

55. And it's in pink gel pen.

56. Do not order McDonalds.

57. It's a disgrace to the ol' fish n' chips.

58. And there's pink stuff in the meat.

59. Do not search up mail order brides.

60. Not only did you most certainly NOT get a Russian bride who's forced to put up with you.

61. You got a blowup doll.

62. And because you forgot to clear the search history, everybody in the whole world knows now.

63. Do not ponder the weird brownish-pinkish-barfish color of your eyes.

64. Damien offered that gouging them out might aid you.

65. You very calmly declined before screaming and racing down the hall.

66. Do not try coffee.

67. Who can drink that god-awful gunk comfortably?

68. Perhaps petitioning to add tea to the Starbucks menu would knock some sense into these bloody Americans.

69. Do not let your hair grow out.

70. Everyone mistakes you for a girl, and an especially scrappy trucker thought you were a prostitute.

71. You really should dump the short shorts.

72. Do not stick a fork into an electrical socket.

73. Do not stick a knife into an electrical socket.

74. Do not lick electrical sockets.

75. Do not admit to anyone that you may just be addicted to electrical sockets.

76. They already have so much incriminating stuff on you, however that it'd just be preaching to the choir.

77. Do not read Harry Potter.

78. Honestly, you can perfectly mimic the voice of Hermione.

79. And hell if you don't know back and front of every spell.

80. Do not sleep in the vicinity of Craig Tucker.

81. Apparently, he's obsessed with sleep habits and has decided that you have abandonment problems.

82. If it isn't the eighth time he's asked you if your mother lost you in a grocery store and forgot to look for you.

83. Do not wear more masculine clothing.

84. The jeans scrape your legs and the shirt is too loose and you look like a douchebag.

85. And trying to act the look is impossible.

86. Do not let Damien defend you.

87. He always takes it way to far.

88. Seriously, you know that the Dairy Queen guy cut you a dime on your change, but was burning all of the local Dairy Queen's in the area necessary?

89. Do not go to Dairy Queen anymore.

90. Not only are you sort of banned for taking part in the destruction of five of their stores, but they still don't give you all your change.

* * *

Who's Next? You decide! 


End file.
